I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
