i just sent this text using only my big toe
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
