You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
