Tell her she can't have a vagina
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
