I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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