an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
