I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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