mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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