she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
MIDGETS
????
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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