Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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