I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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