It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
