It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
