You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
