mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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