I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
