dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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