I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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