i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
