Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You ruined the universe
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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