Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
How external is "for external use only"?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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