Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
