i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
