I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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