i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
