I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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