My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
