when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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