I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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