all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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