When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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