Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
