2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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