I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
