everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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