I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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