burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
