I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
