I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
