i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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