Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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