Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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