the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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