My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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