My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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