Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
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malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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