when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
