i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
