i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
