This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
