i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
