Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
