proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
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