Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
