just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
