I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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